Wishful Thinking

The old saying goes: if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.  Well, if wishes were horses, I'd have several hundred stables full and would be trying to figure out how to trade them all for a baby.

I've always been a little superstitious, but infertility has taken things to a new level.  Since starting this journey I've wished for a baby on thousands of stars, candles, wishbones, eyelashes, pennies in fountains and dandelions.

I've resurrected rituals from my childhood, like "kiss the clock."  Did you know that whenever a digital clock displays the same number in repetition (1:11, 2:22, 3:33, etc...) you have 60 seconds to make as many wishes as you can before the digits change?  It's true - but you have to kiss the clock for every wish.

This was taught to me by the other girls in Sister Catherine's eighth-grade English class, who explained that if you couldn't physically reach the clock, you still got wish-credit by blowing a kiss.  Every morning at 11:11, we all would surreptitously kiss our palms and puff air in the general direction of the digital clock mounted to the wall over the giant crucifix whenever the nun turned to write on the blackboard.

I always wished for a kitten.

My mother told me when I was very young that, if you wait long enough, all your wishes will eventually come true. I believed her then and I still do, on a deep abiding level that defies logic. After all, I did eventually get a kitten. Not until I was a Junior in college, but still.  It was a kitten and it was mine.

Here I am, so many years later, once again taking advantage of every possible opportunity to wish for something small and helpless to love and nurture.

I have put faith in Science and God and Magic. I've consulted specialists, done my own research, and sought second opinions. I've prayed and repented and attended mass. And every time I see a shooting star I shut my eyes and whisper, "I wish to conceive and give birth to a healthy baby. Please and Thank You."  Maybe the great cosmic wish-granter gives bonus points for politeness.  You never know.

So far Medicine, Religion, and the great cosmic wish-granter have all let me down. On a good day I can believe that it's all part of a larger plan and that if I wait long enough the science will work and my wishes and prayers will come true.

So if you ever happen to catch sight of me smooching my cell phone, relax.  I haven't become an objectum sexual. It's just 4:44 and I'm wishing for babies.