Friday, October 14, 2011
Infertiles Hate You, Too
I admit, I'm a bit obsessed with Blogger stats. It tickles me no end to learn that someone in Singapore is reading my little ol' blog RIGHT NOW. (What up, Singapore!) But my favorite function by far is the one that tells me which search terms have led people here. A sample:
"Infertility grief" - yep, got that.
"Craving a baby" - indeed I am.
"Birds head in sand" - denial, I have it.
"Jenny Wren boobs" - sorry to disappoint.
"Big boobs infertile" - this really isn't that kind of website so stop asking.
"What is a four letter word for what a bird does?" - peck.
"Four letter word for bird" - actually, I know lots of four-letter words and I could unleash quite a few of them on whomever searched for this gem:
"I hate infertiles."
Seriously. Someone out there typed those three words into Google and hit enter. It makes me wonder: who hates on infertiles?
I'm sorry, Infertile-hater, is my heart breaking too loudly for you? Is the echo coming from my perpetually empty uterus making it difficult for you to concentrate? Or do you resent me because sometimes you wish you hadn't birthed your rotten little rugrats and then you look at me and feel guilty for regretting your children, and instead of having any shred of self-awareness you hate me for making you feel bad?
Mr Wren just popped in and suggested I was perhaps getting my feathers in a ruffle and flying off the handle for no reason. Irritating little devil's advocate that he is, he insisted I give this stranger on the internet, this anonymous googler, the benefit of the doubt and consider possible reasons why one might search "I hate infertiles" without actually, you know, hating infertiles.
I was resolute. "No!" I squawked, "there are people out there who actually HATE us just because we're infertile! There's probably an entire web community of haters who sit around posting LOLcats with infertile-bashing captions like no, you can't haz baybeez."
And to prove my point I typed "I hate infertiles" into Google. YES, I'm aware that by doing so I proved his point too, but whatEVER.
Well, I didn't find any infertile-hating message boards populated with smug mommies and childless hipsters. I did, however, find this post on an infertility forum. It's a provocative and visceral piece of writing by a fellow veteran of the infertility wars. And while she says she hates infertile people, what she really means is she hates people who are less infertile than she is. And it's pretty clear that she "hates" them in much the same way I hate babies in my post-miscarriage post.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in the ninth circle of infertility hell and it's a lonely place to be. Most people have sex and make babies. Some don't. Those that don't, but want babies anyway, seek help. Lots get lucky with their first treatment attempts: medication, IUIs. Some don't, and move on to IVF. Most of them succeed within three tries. Some don't, and take more drastic measures: donor eggs, donor sperm, surrogates. A really high percentage of these people end up with perfect little miracle babies snuggled in their arms. Some just don't.
It sucks to be one of the ones that don't. It's enough to make you really, really angry. The kind of anger that lashes out in all directions, feeding on jealousy and despair and targeting everyone who has the thing you are constantly denied. I've been there. I'm not there anymore, much to the relief of everyone around me, but I remember and I understand.
And I can't pretend it didn't sting a little when, in the past 2 weeks, several of my internet friends got their long-hoped-for positive pregnancy tests. All were hard-won victories for infertility warriors who have endured more than their share of staggering blows, only to rise and fight anew. I'm thrilled for each and every one of them and they inspire me to reclaim my sword and shield and get ready to rumble again, but I'm battle-worn and weary and wonder if it will ever be my turn to be victorious.
Will I ever have a miracle baby snuggled in my arms? What if I just don't?