For weeks I've been standing on the edge of the high-dive, scared to leap off into the unknown. I was paralyzed, unable to commit to an egg donor and unwilling to leave the safety of my ledge and free-fall into another IVF cycle. Those waters are deep and treacherous. Last time, I almost drowned.
But you can't live on the edge indefinitely. Sooner or later you have to screw your courage to the sticking place, take a deep breath, close your eyes, cross your fingers and hope for the best. Eventually you have to jump.
And at 4:00 this morning, I did.
Unable to sleep, I logged into the donor database one more time, to pore over our prospective donor's profile for the eight-thousand and twelfth time, and noticed that something had changed. Next to the picture of her tow-headed toothless toddler grin, a notation appeared. She had been selected by another couple!
The shared-risk plan that pays for all of this mandates that we do "split cycles," and share our donor with another couple, so the fact that someone else had already signed on for her wasn't a deal breaker. It did however put us at sudden risk of losing her, if a second couple chose her while I hesitated on the edge, staring down at the waters below.
That thought was enough to wake me from my trance. No! I thought, that's OUR donor. We can't lose her!
I poked the snoring Mr Wren until he stirred and opened one eye. "Are you up?" I demanded, "I need to talk."
It is to his infinite credit that he didn't even groan despite it being the middle of the fucking night. Damn, he's a good man. Have I said lately how much I love him?
He didn't require any convincing. He said last week that he was ready to choose her, but the ultimate decision was mine to make. Still, I needed to hear him say "ok, let's do this" before I clicked "final selection." I needed him to be there beside me, holding my hand as we made this final leap into the blue unknown.
I squeezed his hand, held my breath, and together we jumped.
|Credit: CARLOS HERNANDEZ/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY|
And awaaaaaaaay we go.