Friday, October 14, 2011

Taking the Plunge

For weeks I've been standing on the edge of the high-dive, scared to leap off into the unknown.  I was paralyzed, unable to commit to an egg donor and unwilling to leave the safety of my ledge and free-fall into another IVF cycle.  Those waters are deep and treacherous.  Last time, I almost drowned.

But you can't live on the edge indefinitely.  Sooner or later you have to screw your courage to the sticking place, take a deep breath, close your eyes, cross your fingers and hope for the best.  Eventually you have to jump.

And at 4:00 this morning, I did.

Unable to sleep, I logged into the donor database one more time, to pore over our prospective donor's profile for the eight-thousand and twelfth time, and noticed that something had changed.  Next to the picture of her tow-headed toothless toddler grin, a notation appeared.  She had been selected by another couple!

The shared-risk plan that pays for all of this mandates that we do "split cycles," and share our donor with another couple, so the fact that someone else had already signed on for her wasn't a deal breaker.  It did however put us at sudden risk of losing her, if a second couple chose her while I hesitated on the edge, staring down at the waters below.  

That thought was enough to wake me from my trance.  No!  I thought, that's OUR donor.  We can't lose her!

I poked the snoring Mr Wren until he stirred and opened one eye.  "Are you up?"  I demanded, "I need to talk."

It is to his infinite credit that he didn't even groan despite it being the middle of the fucking night.  Damn, he's a good man.  Have I said lately how much I love him?

He didn't require any convincing.  He said last week that he was ready to choose her, but the ultimate decision was mine to make.  Still, I needed to hear him say "ok, let's do this" before I clicked "final selection."  I needed him to be there beside me, holding my hand as we made this final leap into the blue unknown. 

I squeezed his hand, held my breath, and together we jumped.


And awaaaaaaaay we go.  


  1. Well done! It's not easy making any decisions related to IF, but this one must have been particularly hard. I totally agree that with the tough decisions you just have a take a deep breath and go for it. We never get the luxury of any kind of certainty with any part of this, so at some point I guess you just go with your gut.
    I'll be reading and cheering you on...
    Also, I just read your post about checking search terms people used to find your site. That's a good tip - I've never checked that out but am about to right now!

  2. Thanks, Newbie! I think this decision was especially tough because it's the last chance we get. That put a lot of pressure on it. But in the end my gut knew when it was ready to decide. Have fun checking out your search terms!

  3. Jenny I'm so happy for you and excited to read as you move forward!

  4. Oh wow...that's great news! Scary, but great. SO excited for you! I can't wait to hear how things go.

  5. Glad you were able to make a decision.

  6. I'm shaking as I type. Congratulations on taking the plunge!! xo

  7. Thanks y'all, for all the congrats and support! Belle, I'm excited to write about it! Jen and Andra, now that I've actually made the leap I'm way less scared and shaky than I was before. I think that means I made the right decision.

  8. I wanted to wish you more than just a very easy, trouble free pregnancy and all sorts of happiness and love, but that is basically what it is. And for the month or so that you will be biding time, I hope that you take your very eclectic self and start some new and exciting activity. Perhaps another video contest or those wonderful shell angels?

  9. I am really, really excited for you. Every great adventure began with the first step! Keeping you in prayer!

  10. Big goose bumps for you guys! So excited. :)