F as in Failure. F as in Freak. F as in Faulty, Fatigued, and Forlorn. F as in Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck, I failed my mock cycle.
This recent foray into fomenting my fertility has fallen flat. Today's ultrasound was a farce. My uterine lining is feeble. My hope for the future is flagging.
F used not to be a letter with which I was familiar. Always an overacheiver, I spent most of my life striving for, and usually getting, "A"s. Infertility has changed all that. In the pursuit of fecundity and family I have failed time and time again. I should be used to it by now.
Following this morning's disappointing ultrasound, the nurse met me in the hallway. "What are we going to do with you?" She asked.
I only wish I knew.
Somehow I will find the fortitude to move forward. I will submit to further tests and trials to find a way to fix my faulty female fabric. I will fight for my future flock. But for now I'm fundamentally frustrated. It all seems so futile.
Fuck.
Arrgh. How frustrating. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like an underachiever - I feel the same way. When you keep getting told by doctors how "bad" a candidate you are for getting pregnant it feels like you're failing school. And after all you've been through you must be so frustrated. I'm sorry you had to get that news, but really hoping you will have a gorgeous lining next time you do this. From what little I know about it, there definitely are things you can do to help with lining issues. So sorry again, if it's worth anything I give you an "A" for effort!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Newbie. Your "A" for effort comment made me chuckle!
ReplyDeleteUgh, I'm so sorry. Though I do love your impressive use of "f" words in this post! What does it mean to fail the mock transfer? I think somehow in 4+ years of trying (& failing), I never had one of those.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Willow! It wasn't a mock transfer, just an attempt to thicken up my lining by tweaking dosage and method of administering estrace. I failed b/c lining was actually thinner than before.
ReplyDeleteOh Jenny, I'm so sorry! If it is any consolation, you are a wonderful writer! I give you an A for that. There is gobs of science out there. I'm certain they will find the right combination of science and voodoo to create a snugly nest for your egg. *big hugs*
ReplyDeleteThis must be so frustrating! Do you think acupuncture would help? hang in there.
ReplyDeleteBelle, I think I have just as much faith in voodoo as in science, at this point! I'm so glad you like my writing. If anything good has come from this IF mess it's that it spurred me to start writing again.
ReplyDeleteTurtlemama, I love acupuncture and the cycles where I did it before transfer I did have a slightly thicker lining. I plan on doing it again before the "real" cycle, but didn't want to spend the $$ on the mock.
ReplyDeleteAwww Jenny - that sucks! I hope they figure something out. And I agree with Belle - you are an amazing writer - your blog is always so well written.
ReplyDeleteaw shucks, y'all are making me blush! I really appreciate the kind words and support. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, do you know what else starts with F? Fertile. Coincidence? I think not.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't that make an F seem so much better? The only word that A brings to mind is annovulatory, which is my word of the day...err...lifetime. So, buck up! You are loved! You will be a mommy! You are one hell of a writer!
I hear ya - Acupuncture is so expensive and time-consuming. By the way, were you an English major?
ReplyDeleteeggsinarow - Fertile and Fabulous and Fascinating!!! Thanks for the pep talk. I do feel a lot better today, now that I'm not being stuffed full of estrogen!
ReplyDeleteTurtleMama - Your question made me LOL. Why yes I was an English major, is it that obvious?!
I'm sorry, but have to say I LOVE the Sesame St. reference! I'm all over the "f" words these days as well...and fertile isn't one of mine either! Hope the next round goes MUCH more smoothly!
ReplyDeleteLucy
Lucy, Mr Wren and I reference Sesame Street entirely too often for people who don't have kids! We'll be in the grocery store and as he puts things in the cart will say "one. two. THREE containers of yogurt bwahahaha!" lol, we're dorks.
ReplyDeleteSorry I haven't commented on your blog lately - I've been fighting a losing battle with severe exhaustion and nausea. They switched my nausea medication yesterday - so hoping the new med will help.
ReplyDeleteEvery couple has their "quirks" and "inside jokes" - I think the references to SS are cute!
I felt the same way after four m/c - no question that our failures were definitely due to me. My body was "broken" and there was nothing ANYONE could do about it. I agree that infertility is 25% science / knowledge and 75% luck / having the planets aligned / voodoo - whatever you want to call it. It's so frustrating that it's one of the few things we can't control.
I guess the only positive advice I can offer is that each letdown like this is one step closer to success. You have a HUGE cheering section behind you...so lots of good karma is sure to come your way. Hang in there...
Hi Flygirl! Nice to hear from you - your story is such an inspiration to me and proof that IF stories CAN have happy endings. I can't believe it's almost time to meet your twins! I'm beyond excited for you, and as always, so appreciative of your friendship and support.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteI'm a french speeking girl (so sorry for future mistakes or weird phrasing...) from Canada and I just discovered your blog.
I was shocked when I read your last post: I, at this moment, am exactly at the same place. I didn't had the chance to read all your blog yet, so I don't know your hole story but here's a resume of mine:
After 1 year TTC, we discovered that my FSH was at 14.9. Because I was only 34 at that time, my doctor suggested IVF. After 3 unsuccessful IVF and now being 36, we had to face the fact that my eggs were definetly past expiration date. We decided last summer to try one last thing: egg donation. We were lucky enough to find an amazing girl online (there is no official list where I live).
My doctor recommanded a mock cycle. The result after 12 days of stim: my lining was 7,2 mm. My doctor wants at least 8mm. So he increased my meds (giving me the max dose of all the meds - hello sides effects!) I did another mock cycle for 14 days to reach a pitiful 7 mm. Worst than my first one! I was desesperate. My doctor then started to talk about surrogacy... I was floored! Egg donation: OK, surrogacy: no and it's illegal in Canada! Anyway, he finally said that 7 mm was the minimum he would accept and that we could try the egg donation anyway.
So, we gonna do the egg donation next January. By that time, I'm trying acupuncture and stuff like that, but I'm not very optimistic.
I was wandering: how thick was your lining? What did your doctor suggested? Are you gonna do the egg donation anyway?
Thanks for sharing your story, it helps a lot knowing that I'm not alone with this crap! I would normally invite you to read my blog, but I'm not sure you're fluent in french ;-) !
http://sanscigogne.blogspot.com/
Feelie
I know you don't know me, but for some reason, I feel a connection to you and your story. Yours is one of the first blogs I read --specifically "The Big Reveal." That post gave me peace and hope, as well as a feeling that I wasn't alone out there in this new choice we had made.
ReplyDeleteYou haven't posted anything in awhile -- since this "F" post. I check every now and then to see if you've posted, and I am worried that you've given up hope. After three years of trying -- several devastating failures -- we finally came to the conclusion that my body was so broken that we'd never have a baby of "our own." We decided to use a donor egg. Not an easy decision -- not an easy process. But, it's the best option for us. Despite all of our previous failures, this way worked for us. A couple of days before the transfer, they noticed that my lining wasn't as thick as they would have liked (we didn't do anything to check out my lining before then), but they were able to sort it all out okay. I guess what I'm saying is that you're not alone and that I hope you do not give up hope.
You haven't posted in a while, so I just wanted to check on you. I miss reading your blog. :) I hope you're doing well. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteWhere are you? Hope you are ok!
ReplyDelete