Thursday, October 20, 2011
This Post Is Brought To You By The Letter "F"
F as in Failure. F as in Freak. F as in Faulty, Fatigued, and Forlorn. F as in Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck, I failed my mock cycle.
This recent foray into fomenting my fertility has fallen flat. Today's ultrasound was a farce. My uterine lining is feeble. My hope for the future is flagging.
F used not to be a letter with which I was familiar. Always an overacheiver, I spent most of my life striving for, and usually getting, "A"s. Infertility has changed all that. In the pursuit of fecundity and family I have failed time and time again. I should be used to it by now.
Following this morning's disappointing ultrasound, the nurse met me in the hallway. "What are we going to do with you?" She asked.
I only wish I knew.
Somehow I will find the fortitude to move forward. I will submit to further tests and trials to find a way to fix my faulty female fabric. I will fight for my future flock. But for now I'm fundamentally frustrated. It all seems so futile.