Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Oh Baby: It's Not You, It's Me
We found out today that there was nothing wrong with our baby. It was chromosomally normal. (It is, however, still an "it," since the doctor didn't reveal the gender and we decided we didn't want to ask, because what's the point?)
It's like being in a neverending heavyweight boxing match. Every time I start to get to my feet, I get knocked on my ass again. I've been physically and emotionally pummeled beyond recognition. The doctor had anticipated that the results would show a genetically abnormal embryo, and I was holding on to that hope. It would mean that the miscarriage was not my fault, that I was capable of getting pregnant, and if we just could just get a healthy embryo then we could have a healthy pregnancy.
But no. Something is wrong with me and we don't know what and that something killed my baby.
I'm so frustrated I could scream. My self-loathing knows no bounds. My other-loathing is fairly boundless, too. I'm angry at God, every pregnant woman on the planet, and especially my doctor. Today he ordered a series of blood tests that I've been requesting for over a year. Every other time I asked about them he said it was a waste of time and money. Now, however, he thinks they are indicated. If one of them turns out to be positive, and I have a clotting or other immunology issue that could have been addressed before now, possibly preventing this miscarriage from occurring....well, wouldn't that be just my luck?
I've filled in my infertility bingo card. I've gotten one or more items in every column: failed IUIs, failed IVFs, fibroids, chemical pregnancy, and now miscarriage/loss and likely immunological issues. Bingo! Did I win a baby yet? No? Fuck. I'm so tempted to quit the game, just walk away from it all. But by now I've invested so much (time, energy, money, emotions) that I really have to see it through to the bitter end.
Although, if I become any more bitter, I'm going to turn into a horseradish.