Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Oh Baby: It's Not You, It's Me

It's all my fault. 

We found out today that there was nothing wrong with our baby.  It was chromosomally normal.  (It is, however, still an "it," since the doctor didn't reveal the gender and we decided we didn't want to ask, because what's the point?)

It's like being in a neverending heavyweight boxing match.  Every time I start to get to my feet, I get knocked on my ass again.  I've been physically and emotionally pummeled beyond recognition.  The doctor had anticipated that the results would show a genetically abnormal embryo, and I was holding on to that hope.  It would mean that the miscarriage was not my fault, that I was capable of getting pregnant, and if we just could just get a healthy embryo then we could have a healthy pregnancy.

But no.  Something is wrong with me and we don't know what and that something killed my baby. 

I'm so frustrated I could scream.   My self-loathing knows no bounds.   My other-loathing is fairly boundless, too.  I'm angry at God, every pregnant woman on the planet, and especially my doctor.  Today he ordered a series of blood tests that I've been requesting for over a year.  Every other time I asked about them he said it was a waste of time and money.  Now, however, he thinks they are indicated.  If one of them turns out to be positive, and I have a clotting or other immunology issue that could have been addressed before now, possibly preventing this miscarriage from occurring....well, wouldn't that be just my luck?

I've filled in my infertility bingo card.  I've gotten one or more items in every column:  failed IUIs, failed IVFs, fibroids, chemical pregnancy, and now miscarriage/loss and likely immunological issues.  Bingo!  Did I win a baby yet?   No?   Fuck.  I'm so tempted to quit the game, just walk away from it all.  But by now I've invested so much (time, energy, money, emotions) that I really have to see it through to the bitter end.

Although, if I become any more bitter, I'm going to turn into a horseradish. 


  1. Jenny, I'm glad you found my blog! Your name is so cute. I love birds. My name is not really Birdie, it's Beth. But I like to use that name. So Dr. Kutteh is a 10-11 hour drive for you. For me it was 4. For me, Dr. Kutteh was a last resort. After trying to have a baby for 3 years, having 4 miscarriages, 3 surgeries, and spending hundreds (maybe thousands) of dollars on an RE that didn't help me (except he did recommend Dr. K, so I'm very thankful for that!), my husband and I decided to give it one last shot. I felt like I needed to see Dr. K before being at peace with no longer pursuing the reasons for the miscarriages. And now I am SO thankful that I went to him!!! He got right down to business and got to the root of the problem. He specializes in recurrent pregnancy loss and doesn't waste any time. Another thing I like about him is that he took my chemical pregnancy losses seriously. No other doctor had really done that. But he saw them as a piece of the puzzle as well. He quickly found that I had a uterine septum, which other doctors had told me was simply arcuate shaped and normal. But, b/c of his experience in RPL, he knew that it wasn't normal and that it was likely causing the problem. I read that you had a m/c recently. And I'm so so sorry. I know what that feels like, and it's very difficult. Have you had chemical pregnancies as well?
    I don't know for sure that Dr. K is right for you. But I would encourage anyone to see him if possible. He helped me, and maybe he can help you too. Please let me know if you have any more questions!!

  2. Beth/Birdie: Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Your story has definitely inspired me and helped make up my mind. I've decided I want to see Dr Kutteh for a second opinion after my test results come in. I think the cause of my m/c is different than yours, but it's great to know that Dr K is so thorough and finds problems other specialists have missed. I did have one chemical pregnancy and yeah, my RE didn't take it seriously at all.

  3. I'm not sure how long ago this happened but i had a d & c on 5/26 and we got the results back a couple of weeks ago and there was nothing wrong with the baby. So like you, it was me. i had a chemical in dec and my re did a rpl panel on me then but we didn't change anything for the next cycle which resulted in this hell. while i'm happy that my dr. wanted to do the panel after my 1st m/c, at our most recent meeting our re informed me that i do have a problem (MTHFR c 677t homozygous) and that we would do lovenox on my next cycle. If they found this out in Dec, why didn't we address it? I would be 17 wks pregnant today. My point being that when you have the RPL panel run, know everything they are testing you for and what it all means (and what normal ranges are when they are measuring a certain "level" of something). I just assumed that everything came back normal and honestly I wouldn't have known what normal is or isn't at that point. I do now and I won't be that stupid again.

    I'm so glad I found your blog as I have felt many of your thoughts and it just doesn't feel comfortable sharing with most. These aren't easy feelings but thanks for putting it out there. I hope you are able to find some answers.

  4. Daydreams - Your story breaks my heart and makes me angry. I can't believe they didn't give you lovenox before your recent cycle, after your RPL panel in Dec. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and so sorry for your loss. One thing I've learned through this whole process is we have to ask lots of questions and speak up for ourselves and not just assume the Dr knows best. I'm glad you found me, too. I would have been 12 weeks the pain is still pretty fresh for us both. I hope you find answers, too, and that your baby dreams come true!

  5. You said it all! Have you gotten a chance to see Dr. K yet? I'm at the point where I want off this horrible ride called "wanting a baby". I have been told I have a T shaped uterus (non DES) which is hard to find any real help with. I've experience 9 total miscarriages with one being an ectopic. I've never had a live birth or even seen a heartbeat. I'd love to hear if Dr. K worked out for you. My doctor just basically told me that she couldnt help me and referred me to him for a second opinion.